It was another Payday
and I was tired of Mr.
Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey
standing behind the
Powerhouse on the corner of
Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I
whipped out my Whopper
and whispered, “Hey
Sweetheart, how'd you like to
Crunch on my
big hunk for a
Million Dollar Bar?”
Well, she immediately went down on my
Tootsie Roll, and
it was like pure Almond
Joy!
I couldn't help but grab her delicious
Mounds because it
was easy to see that this little
Twix had the
Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the
Snickers and
Crackle as my
Butterfinger went
up her tight little Kit
Kat and she started to scream “Oh
Henry, Oh Henry!”
Soon she was fondling my
Peter Pan and
ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds
clear to Mars that
gave her a taste of the old
Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into
M&M, but I said, “Hey
Chicklet, no kinky
stuff.” I said, “Look you little
Reese's Pieces,
don't be a Zero, be
a Lifesaver. Why
don't you take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your
Bit 'O' Honey?”
(What a piece of Juicy
Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, “Oh
Crackerjack, better than the
Three Musketeers!”
as I rammed my Ding Dong
up her Rocky Road
and into her Peanut Butter
Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her
Good 'N' Plenty,
when all the sudden... my
Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
Chunky and
complained of a Wrigley
in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped
Baby Ruth!
This is just too cool, I'm tempted to do this myself
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's
look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions
and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we
can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than
the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than
the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold
day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then number two must be true, and thus I
am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell
has frozen over, it follows that it is not
accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which
explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
Fresh from
my shower, I stand in front of the
mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me
it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. "If you want your
breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it
between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece
of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between
my breasts. "How long will this
take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of
years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing
a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my
breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked
for your butt, didn't it?"
Monday, two boys were in court after
doing their community service for
vandalism charges, and the judge said to
the first one, "How did you do over the
weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people
to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did
you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew
two circles and told them this (the big
circle) is your brain before drugs and
this (small circle) is your brain after
drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And
you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156
people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you
manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws
two circles) I said (pointing to small
circle) this is your butt hole before
prison..... and (pointing to the large
circle) this is your butt hole after
prison.
